Jim and Mary were both
patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were
walking around the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and
stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She
swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic
act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have
good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged because since you were able to jump in and
save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your
senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung
himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to
Jim and Mary were both
A pregnant woman gets into a
car accident and falls into a
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that
she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor
about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl.
The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's
an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well,
what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name!
Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then
she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the
motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to
come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I
ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up,
wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this
engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em
back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how
come I get such a small salary and you get the really big
bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and
whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running.
A guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor
says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your
test. Do you want the bad news first or the very
bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have
the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24
hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24
hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than
that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his
hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to
contact you since yesterday.
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure
anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed.
Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch
So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he
wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor,
"Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste
nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a
little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings
the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and
immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr.
Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem,
"Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head
and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What
you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the
A man walked into a doctor's office and the
receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address,
medical insurance number. When you're done, please take
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him
what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical
history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he
had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he
had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then
said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find
shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in
the truck. Where do you want them?"
While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that
he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor
says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15
feet behind your wife and say 'honey?’ Move 3 feet closer
and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally
responds." Remember how close you were when she gives
you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing
About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and
the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your
wife's hearing?” The man says "yes". "How close did you get
before she answered?" "Well, by the time I got about 3 feet
away she just turned around and said "For the FIFTH
A man is recovering from surgery when the
Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor
used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a
pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a
pathologist. After a while a bird came winging
overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot
because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not. The
pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it
was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot. The
psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a
duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?” The surgeon was
the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he
turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a