Tanzanian forum: Jokes - Airplane Jokes
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23 Apr 2015 16:30

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the
aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics
read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half
of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the
gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

23 Apr 2015 16:32

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude,
the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to
Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier;
but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a
cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see
the back of mine!"

23 Apr 2015 16:35

What They Said . . . And What We Did
According to the story, after every Quantas Airlines flight
the pilots complete a 'gripe sheet' report, which conveys to
the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the
aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form,
corrects the problem, and then writes details of action
taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to
review before the next flight. It is clear from the examples
below that ground crew engineers have a keen sense of
humor - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe
forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by
the engineers. Incidentally, Quantas has the best safety
record of all the world's major airlines.
(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The solution and
action taken by the mechanics.)
1) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
1) Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
1) Something loose in cockpit.
2) Something tightened in cockpit.
1) Dead bugs on windshield.
2) Live bugs on back-order.
1) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent.
2) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
1) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2) Evidence removed.
1) DME volume unbelievably loud.
2) DME volume set to more believable level.
1) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2) That's what they're there for.
1) IFF inoperative.
2) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
1) Suspected crack in windshield.
2) Suspect you're right.
1) Number 3 engine missing.
2) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
1) Aircraft handles funny.
2) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
1) Target radar hums.
2) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
1) Mouse in cockpit.
2) Cat installed.

23 Apr 2015 16:36

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting
next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him
' Can you help me remove something from my breast
please? ‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my
pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"

23 Apr 2015 16:39

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool
on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first
time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of
making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess
who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
"Guess where?"

23 Apr 2015 16:42

A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy
landing. As part of his job he was required to
stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the
passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that
someone might say something about his rather less than
perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word
except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly
approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the
plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

23 Apr 2015 16:48

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the
smartest man in the world, the richest man in
the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences
some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three
passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are
only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the
world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue
everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The
smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he
thinks that the world would be a worse place without him.
The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left,
I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the
punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."